Top Ten Signs You’re At A Lame New Year’s Eve Party
10. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed
9. “Party hats” look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones
8. “Ball drop” at midnight consists of a trick your Uncle Earl does when he’s loaded
7. “Champagne” really apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer
6. You notice a “Happy 1999″ tag on the package of shrimp you’ve been eating all night
5. The host kicks everyone out at 11:58 so he can go to bed
4. The only guests are you and Richard Simmons, and guess who wants a New Year’s Eve kiss?
3. The Amish can do many things well, but throwing parties ain’t one of them
2. It’s just you and a dozen Mullahs in a cave
1. It’s held in March
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